Dog Property Laws
If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.
How Dogs And Men Are The Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither do any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what “no” means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
The Top Ten Reasons Why A Dog is Better Than A Women
A dog’s parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog doesn’t care if you fart in bed.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog does not care about previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you get another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine’s Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Don’t go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged out from under the bed).
If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things . . .
Then you are probably the family dog.
Subject: Rules for owning a dog
Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new.
Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole works and buy new furniture……..upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he’s got to leave the room.
Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I’m now sleeping. That’s just not fair.
The dog never gets listed on census questionnaire as “primary resident,” even if it’s true.
Dog Property Laws